Looking Back Before Moving Ahead

As the New Year approaches, our minds turn to what lies ahead. It's a time to set goals for the next 365 days, to challenge ourselves to adopt a better attitude, do away with bad habits and set ourselves back on the never-ending path to self improvement on the whole. But while New Year's resolutions should infuse us with hope and empowerment, all that self examination can draw our attention to our shortcomings and put uncomfortable emphasis on the goals we have not yet met. Before you set a plan for the future, take a hard look at the past. Acknowledge all the goals you have achieved and the person you've become. We could all stand to improve on ourselves -- it's an essential part of our humanity -- but don't lose sight of how far you've had to come to get where you are!

Rules.....

In a relationship I try to follow these rules:

I will try my hardest not to overreact, as I tend to do in life.
I will only deal with one issue at a time, without introducing topics or incidents from the past, as hard as it might seem.
I will never attack any of his vulnerabilities, or hurt him in order to have the last word by being sarcastic or calling him names.
I will always respect and keep the trust with which he has entrusted me.
I will try to avoid sweeping generalizations like you always and you never.
Before I start in I will ask myself what exactly is bothering me and what do I expect and want him to do about it. I will offer compromise and think about possible outcomes that would be acceptable.
I will try to remember that the idea is not to win but to be kind and come to a solution we can both live with.
Most of all, I will try to improve my listening skills. I will try to be careful not to interrupt him and to genuinely hear his concerns and feelings.
I will accept responsibility for a problem that I might have with him, realizing that we have a problem, not just you have a problem.
I will always be loyal to him and our relationship first and foremost.
I will always make sure that his needs are being met as long as they are communicated to me.
I will continually work on letting go of the past to heal my heart and mind.
I will never, ever, fight with him in front of our children (god-willing)
Instead of telling him that I am pissed or angry, I will replace it with the more telling emotions of fear, hurt, or frustration.

In the meanwhile, I'll try to work on my issue of Insecurity. My issue, the need to feel love.

In my relationship Ive been very independent yet dependent. I have my own friends. Im active with them. I have a support network of family and friends who are always available to listen. Ive got my own interests of photography, my work, anything creative, and when that all falls short, I use the energy to take care of the person Im with. Look up recipes they might like, plan fun dates, or fun surprise gift ideas. Im nurturing and understanding, sensitive and emotionally available. I get dependent (or needy) when I feel insecure. If were fighting or not having seex, I get so crazed to fix things I think because Im not getting my way, and I end up acting out to try to get my way. Or I try to make him feel bad, punish him so he feels as frustrated as I do, because then I think I might get the love and adoration Im seeking, but through fear.

I wanted to be my ex's sole attention even when he wasnt with me, I wanted him to miss me and think of me often. I hated when he would say he wanted to do something else like go play golf. Me me me. I wanted adoration. And I punished him when he didnt give it enough. And it was never enough, eventually. And we know how that turned out. And now, I see myself repeating the same thing. Less so though because I trust him. I dont get jealous if he wants to hang with his friends. I do care though that he doesnt necessarily want alone time with me as much as I do.

I have a problem with recency. Only focusing on the past 3 days, fixate on that, and then try to run instead of looking at the universal picture, the us we have been, the he that he has been and Im ready to throw it away.

Cell-Fish

I have been walking the streets of Downtown St. Pete and sometimes count the number of people, in only one block, who were using their cell phones or bluetooth equivalent. It depended, of course, in which part of the city I was, but when you really look for it, it's gross. Kids in grammar school have cell phones now. "For emergencies," their parents warn.
"But I missed uncle Jack!" Certainly emergency worthy. We did manage this long without, which doesn't make it right. Not all technological advances are demon-spawn. Just look at the vibrator. No. Don't. That was too easy. But I think we use them to escape our lives. Our silences. Reflection, really. People bring them to the gym, prop them onto their elliptical machines beside their towel and bottled water. Work might call. A boy might call. It's gross.

Here's what else is gross. I have one and rarely return phone calls. I've actually become horrible about it. Now there's even more on my to-do list. Now there are phone calls I have to return! Honestly, I've stopped listening to them. I wait until the missed voicemails total eight (because I love a good even number), then I listen and return. I'm turned off by the phone and rely on it for all the wrong things. Honestly, I'm addicted to Monopoly. I play it on my phone, everywhere. And I'll use the phone to acquire emails, which I'll later forget I read, and they'll be lost and remain unanswered. I'm wondering how I'd do if I just gave it up. No cell phone. I'm Catholic, so I guess for Lent, though I know women have given up cheese and orgasms, certainly no cell phone use would prove what kind of woman I am.

The truth is, for the most part, cellular phones are as disrespectful as call-waiting. It means whatever you're doing is less important than whomever is calling. Nothing bothers me more than a date with girlfriends or the suitor who asks if I mind, while he/she checks the phone. And the worst bit is, I've been that date. I'm guilty too. Nothing spells disrespect like cell.