Hang In There!

During those first months of our new life with a baby, I honestly thought we were done - Ian was going to be our only child because I didn't think I would ever be able to go through that again.
Prior to Ian's birth, everyone kept telling me the same thing: the first few months are hard. And, they were right. Hard might even be an understatement. Those first months suck... bad. It was hard to get use to the lack of sleep. It was hard to try and comfort a screaming baby, when I had no clue why he was screaming. It was hard to adjust to the fact that I was no longer the first priority. It was hard to transition from being a selfish person... to a selfless parent. It was hard to get up each morning and go to work... only to come home and keep working until I was finally able to fall crawl into bed. Hard? Yes.
Rewarding? Completely. After conquering those first few months, I look back and would do it all over again in a heartbeat (just not anytime soon , okay?). Why? It's not because I've somehow just suddenly forgotten how rough it actually was. Trust me, I will never forget. It's because I now get to reap the rewards of those difficult months every single day. From waking up a sleeping baby, who starts my day with the sweetest smile... to picking up an excited boy from daycare, who seems so thankful that I'm there to get him. Ian gives me a greater purpose in life and, for that, I am so thankful.
Trust me - I'm not one to give motherly advice. I'm surprised that Ian actually survived the first months, especially considering all of the mistakes I made (and sadly, continue to make). BUT, I do know one thing that I feel certain I should share with those new (and soon-to-be new) moms out there: Those first few months suck. BUT, despite how challenging and difficult they are, I promise you it will all be completely, perfectly, and wonderfully worth every second. Hang in there - it only gets better each day!
And, if I was able to survive it, then trust me - anyone can!

2 Months Old!!!!

So I was super excited to get our Picky Sticky's in the mail!!! I didn't have them for month 1 so we will start with month 2!!! These are great inventions!!! Stickers that state the month, Each sticker is 4" in diameter and is made of transparent sticky paper. When applied it LOOKS like an iron-on transfer. You can order them here:

http://www.pickysticky.com/index.php


On Ian's 2 month birthday I tried to take some pictures...TrIeD, he was not having it! I guess when we look back I can show him this......







I just love his little chubby legs!!! He really is a happy baby all the time, he just hates when I play dress up and take pictures! But I am his mom, and will do this for the rest of his life!
At two months old, Ian...

*Is Still unsure about bathtime! He loves to play soccer with his rubber duck, And HATES the part where we take him out of the bath and he's cold
*Hates to have his diaper changed -
*Has become such a happy boy - he smiles every morning, noon, and night.
*Shows us that he recognizes certain people by kicking his legs and smiling at them
*Hates having on a wet diaper... but really, who would like that?
*Isn't too fond of tummy time - but he'll have to get over that!
*Rolled over! I think it was a fluke, but he rolled from his tummy to his back to the left side while at daycare, I haven't seen it yet.....
*Loves to eat - he gets soo mad when we even take the breast or bottle away just to burp him!
*Sleeps for 6 hours straight at night - YAY Ian!
*Trys to talk back to you by cooing and making funny noises!
*Can hold his head up pretty well when we put him on his tummy

Ian's Two Month Stats

Weight: 11 lb 7 oz - 50th Percentile
Length: 23 inches- 75th Percentile
Head Circumference: 15 1/2 inches- 50th Percentile

My New Life...

Ok so most of you know by now that I started a blog a while back, who am I kidding 2008 is more than a while, anyhow ..... I went to NY to see my sister and it got lost in the Adirondack Mountains somewhere......perhaps on Haystack, or Marcy, I'm not quite sure.....
I think I can say at this point this blog has evolved into a full-blown mommy blog. There are random tidbits of non-mommy related issues and events of the world thrown in as well.Basically, I am a new mom trying to document that ever changing job for myself, my child, my friends and family. These are strictly my opinions and rants. Please don't take them for more than that!!!
My New Life has started with the birth of Ian!! I am not going to back track and fill in all the boring details of my birth story ect. Although birth was not as hard and horrible as I imagined, Dan and I were laughing and joking all through labor!! I am going to start here with my new life.....married, with Ian at 2 months!!!
Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Month Old!

On Ian's one month birthday we had a photo shoot with Mike Paul Edde (Beacon Photography)!!!

http://www.beaconphotoonline.com/

P.S. We love Mikey, he even flew to NY do take photos of our wedding for an entire weekend. I like to think Ian was a natural!!!!!
He started off like this:

and then went to this:

and ended like this:

You Know Your A Mom When....

When you can do almost anything one handed; including typing and preparing meals!
When your husband says to you "babe, you have spit up all over your shirt" and you say nonchalantly "I know" and have known it was there for hours and didn't care.

When you have serious conversations about poop.
When shaving has become a luxury. Hey you barely have time to shower let alone actually shave while your in there!
When you don't want strangers to even look at your new baby for fears that just them breathing in his direction will cause him to catch something.
When your 19 students say "We'll be his mommy and you can be his big sister" and for a moment it sounds like a good idea.
When you leave your new baby even if its just for an hour or 2 with daddy and you feel incredibly guilty. Because you know...he's so little he needs his mommy!
When the slightest grunt, fart, or wiggle wakes you up.
When you finally feel like you have purpose.
and lastly
When you experience love like you never knew existed before; each time you look into his eyes...or see him smile...or waiting for the first time he tells you he loves you...and when you can’t imagine life or anything like it without your child. That's when you know your a mom.

A letter for my baby.....

Dear Brooke or Ian,

I cannot believe you are going to be here anyday now! I am a little sad I won't be feeling you squiring around in my belly anymore. Even though it can be very weird and sometimes painful, I have gotton a lot of joy out of watching my belly warp as you wiggle. I love finding your feet and poking them to have move them away.You love kicking them in my ribs, I think you may be a soccer player. Right now I have you all to myself and I don't have to share you with anyone. Daddy does feel and watch but its not the same for him as it is for me. He can see and feel your hiccups and kicks on th eoutside, and I feel them on the inside. He dosen't get woken up in the middle of the night because you are awake and kicking him! And he hasen't had the chance to feel the pain of your foot in his ribs, lucky him!

Watching you grow inside me has been such an amazing experience for the both of us, and now we get to watch you grow on the outside. Mommy and Daddy already have so much love for you. It's crazy to think th elove we have right now will tremendously increase when we have you in our arms.

The world you are about to enter can be a scary place, and we promise to protect you as best as possible. We want to be the type of parents you can come to when you need advice, have concerns, when you are scared, lonley, frustarted, happy, mad or maybe just need to talk. We plan on being very open with you and by doing this hope to have a close relationship. We want to be the type of family that eats dinner together, has family game nights, and goes on family vacations. We will support you with your decisions and help you acheive your goals. For the next 18 years we are responsible for you and we promise to mak ethem the best 18 years any kid could ask for by caring fo ryou with all the love we have. Always remember, no matter what happens, we will be there fo ryou and will always love you. There is nothing you can do to take that away.

I am about 10 days away from my due date and not sure it has actually hit Daddy and me. It has been easy these past 9 months to say we are going to be Mom and Dad, but to actually imagine ourselves with a little baby is difficult to do. We have had many converations about if you are a boy or a girl, what will you look like? Will you have Mommy's brown eye's or Daddy's crazy 2 different color eyes? How much hair will you have? Whatever you are, you are half me, and half Dan (daddy), which makes you perfect!!!

Love,
Mom

Growing apart...to grow together.

I am very close with my family. So, Monday, I am flying home for some bonding. Only my sister and I can bond on a level unexplainable. I can't wait. I love her children more than all of the grilled cheese on wheat (my favorite food) on God's great earth so I am stoked to say the least. Recently my sisters family has been going through some though situations. Since I am on summer break I have decided to go home for a few weeks to lend my hand, heart, patience, and shoulder to her. It's funny growing up we went through these stages...first when she was born I hated her! Who was this alien looking creature here to take over my parents attention? But soon as she grew, she grew on me and I loved helping take of her. Then as we went through elementary school she was my best friend. We did everything together, had to have the same colors of everything. If I ordered chicken fingers with a baked potato and salad with Ranch dressing, she ordered the same. If I wanted mint chocolate chip ice cream, so did she. If I wore braids in my hair, She wanted to wear braids in hers. To sidestep my copy-cat ways (or perhaps just to be mean), I would often insist that she order her meal in the restaurant first. Or, I would order something, she would order the same and I would then change my mind and order something else.
Like most older siblings, I could be cruel. When we got to high school we were totally opposites. I was the preppy athlete, she was the sloppy skater wanna be. We Clashed!! I would ignore her in the hallways all the time, she would yell, "Hey SIS!", I hated her. I wish she would just go away and never come back again. I was so embarrassed by her. Maybe I was this way because she always looked up to me, and I liked that. My own sister made me feel so special and popular. What I realize now is that we had to become our own people, and grow apart to again grew back together.
Anyway, the day I left for college she rode in my car with me, and we followed my parents. I had no idea what I was going to talk to her about for 2 and half hours. I hated her. She hated me. But something crazy happened in that car ride. I don't quite remember what or how it started, but we just started talking, and singing and laughing. God works in mysterious ways! As we arrived on campus she said, "I hope your ready for this!", and I replied, "Bring it on!"....we unpacked and then went to eat. Most awkward meal of my life. My dad was crying, my mom was quite and not really eating, my sister and I just staring at each other, knowing we were both thinking just say something! The meal ended and I was left alone. I started praying for all the obvious things a 18 year old would pray for in a new place knowing no one. A few hour later the phone rang....my sister. I was so relived! From that day on we talked everyday, sometimes 3 times. Again we needed space to grow apart, to grow together!
She is my best friend. She has always been there for me even when I treated her like my greatest nemesis. Unlike my sister, I have a stubborn grip on optimism and the belief that, if you are nice to people, they will treat you in kind. My sister is more of a realist and, as a result, tends to get hurt a lot less than me. This brings me to the only reason I am dreading our visit. The reasons I am going there run deep, and I will remain them to her privacy. But our conversations will run deep, and I may get frustrated and hurt. I ask god for the strength to see her side, and understand what she has been going through for the past 8 years, and in turn give her the strength and enlightenment that she needs, and is seeking from me.
So, as much as I want and need to spend time with my sister and let her be with someone who loves her unconditionally and makes her laugh like nobody's business, I am afraid. I want so badly to tell her how I have been feeling because I know that she, more than anyone else in this world, wants me to guide her. At the same time, however, I know my sister will not sugar coat the situation and any guidance I provide may get burnt in her burning fire.
Bottom Line goes without saying.....I have been graduated from college for 5 years now, and moved away from home for 5 years now. We were growing apart only by distance, and growing together by sisterhood, age, and wisdom. So let growing apart, let us grow together on this visit home. Love you sister!

play..don't let him get you

Take a risk every day, even if it's small. Get home a different way, take a new path; you'll see new things. Sometimes when my friends and I go out, we make a dare for the night. I'm not revealing what we've dared one another, so don't ask. I've begun to dare myself lately. Be bolder. Do what scares you. Do what's hard. The Devil throws these challenges at us, to test us I believe. To test our character, our strengths, our person. Do not let him get you!
I went to the beach this morning and I was cranky. What's wrong with me? I should be happy. I just married the man that makes me smile everyday, I have agreat job, a beautiful new house. I was restless. I don't play enough. I need to change that. When is the last time you really played? So I got up, walked to the water, got wet, then decided to build a drippy droopy sand castle. I dug a moat and built a bridge. I'd forgotten that when you dig in the sand, deep enough, you hit a layer of shellso rock before you hit water. I loved relearning that. I was building a sand castle by myself, for no reason at all. For play. Who does that? I did.
A fifth grade girl named Margaret joined me to help. "Wow, fifth grade. When I was in fifth, we were learning cursive.""Golly, I learned that in like second grade." She was chewing grape gum and offered me a piece. "Well, don't feel bad, times are different now." We talked about her school and how she just got her ears pierced. "Not at Claire's. Their biggest selling accessory is infection." I began to blink. Was I hearing things? "That's what my mom says." She then told me her mother's cancer was in remission and how her friend Debbie is getting a second hole in her ear. "But she's allowed because she is handicapped."
Our conversation reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for. I was also glad, for the first time in my life, that I had short weakass nails... all the better to play in the sand with. A moat is a good time. Go play.

a nod to sunscreen and flossing

I'm drunk on Patron that's been filtered through a watermelon and subsequently mixed over a frozen margarita. I had to disclose this, so what's to follow will make sense to someone. This all came after I drove home from Atlanta, after having dinner and drinks with my girlfriends I had not seen in 3 weeks. Conversation started about "What we wish we knew then, that we do now"...... I was sitting here wondering what would I say, if I could, to my younger self. You know, if we went for drinks at a Mexican joint (this place, Rosa Mexicano, Atlantic Station, is hardly a joint), and I began a sentence with, "Okay, there's something you should know..." what would follow? See, it's easy to tent a blanket of "don't take life so seriously" on it, but that's like telling someone to "just relax". The words are there, we hear them, but they don't make us feel any differently. It's too easy. It's lazy advice. If I could I would only say be like Job, he was always faithful no matter what was thrown at him, and was just a great guy. People looked at Job when he was wealthy and healthy and said he was a righteous man, and likewise did the Lord.

StraIGHT Up...MeLiSsA

So now that I am married...I guess I am move on from Journal Writing, Prayer Journals, MySpace Blog, and just write on a blog....I mean it is 2008 right. So to open it just a little bit about me and then I swear they will be more interesting and upbeat. I really love some of my old stuff so that may find its way back here, more elaborated.

Here it goes...............
When I write something brilliant, I actually kiss the screen (okay, sometimes I lick it). There is nothing I derive more pleasure from than writing. Okay, seex and food so don't count. My job. Touching bark, grass stains, campfires, fireflies, swings.Blender foamed hot chocolate with real marshmallows.Lit fireplaces, playing board games, smartwool socks. Manicures, a great blow out, the perfect outfit in its bag waiting for the evening, shoes still boxed. Losing the used to be's, train rides, strangers, quilting, my nephews. My legs after I exfoliate, grapefruit lotion in summer, rose oil in winter, memories of climbing into bed with my parents. Tea sandwiches, cucumber ice water, lavender eye mask, Egyptian cotton robe, slippers. Singing in the car, cream cheese frosting, convertibles, bing cherries, lemonade stands, awnings, rosemary, vegetable gardens, sprinklers, jelly jars, Italian signs, linen. Driving for ice cream, ballgames and frankfurters, picnics, upstate to watch the leaves. Jersey tomatoes, vodka sauce. Finding things in common, soup, movie hopping, wine tastings. Witty slang, Starbucks with Todd and Kristen, when Danny takes out his balls, girls nights, im chats with Pete. Recipes with Mom, Phone calls from old friends you thought were gone, Artichokes with drawn butter( The best in Utah), Room service, well-done French fries, blueberry picking, doing nothing.Returning home after a week away, speaking to Monroes' belly and kissing her bald spot.High thread count sheets, gerbas by the bed, naps, the smell of beer can roasted chicken.Laughing until it pisses everybody off, tasting menus, dinner parties, thoughtful gifts. Wine. Personalized stationery, calligraphy, piano bars, children's books, finger painting, Lego's.Fresh cut fruit in a bowl in my fridge, watching lifetime movies, my bed.Christmas music year-round (my favorite: baby it's cold outside), old-fashioned grilled cheese sandwiches, Parlors. Spicy nachos from the movie theatre, girlie movies, Evo's, the Fall.B eing sore from too much seex, having faceburn from his stubble after a day of kissing. Chicken pot pie, Champagne, Christmas time. Cooking for people who love to eat, butterscotch pudding, cookbooks, honey. Silver stars, Garters, Nervenkitt Jewelry, my teeth, thanksgiving, ribbons in my hair. MONROE. Blender drinks, tall drinking glasses, rectangular plates, garnish, mini hamburgers, playing Cranium, cookouts, clambakes on the ocean, cokctail hour, banana curls, letters, when he calls, listening to songs on repeat, meatballs, my humus, staring, compliments, pixie dust, sleeping bags, acoustic guitar, crying, breathing, sitting on the floor in a meeting, being able not to care and saying it, caring, a new toothbrush, boat rides, skinny dipping, fishing, being able to keep adding to this list, being me.

Ready or Not.........

Here I am! All my life stories, experiences, and interactions! ready or not.....here I come!

Anxiety Sucks

I've noticed that the more news I hear the more I tend to worry. Really, it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be worrying about. should we worry about the plain-vanilla flu or Bird Flu? Should we worry about a recession, A Depression, a global financial meltdown? Is there a child predator in our neighborhood or a crazed kidnapper lurking in our city? Is that pain in my side some rare disease? Perhaps the one I saw advertised on TV just last night. Perhaps I should ask my doctor..... Or perhaps, I remind myself that statistically our children have never been safer, we have never been healthier and our nation has never been wealthier. It is, by almost all measures, the best of times. So perhaps what I should do is turn off the TV, shut down the computer, ignore the alarmist headlines and do what I can: Go for a hike, buckle up, buckle up my children, eat well...most of the time, lend a helping hand, get some sleep, express gratitude. Perhaps then I'll see that we are, in fact, doing just fine.

Dear C, and Mean drunk

I'm not an affectionate drunk but a hostile one. It begins sweet and loving then corners demanding throughout the night. I'm a demanding drunk. Tell me you love me. Let me show you how I love you. It's too in your face. And shit, sometimes I just cry. But mostly, I've never been called a bad drunk, have never hurt anyone, except myself once in a bad skipping accident which landed me in the emergency room. I received a text message today from a male friend, at 9:10 am, asking, "What does it mean when a girlfriend is nicest to you when she is drunk? Would appreciate your honest opinion." Well now. I'd pull up my sleeves and take this on, thriving, as I do, over relationship questions.

Before I share my advice, give him yours because he needs it. Oh, and I know as much about them as you do. Nothing.

Not that I need to, now that the boy has gotten an earful, but as promised, here was my take on it--it's along the lines of what everyone else has said:

It means she pretty much sucks the rest of the time, so keep her liquored up. Well, it's never that simple, or we never let it be, but that's essentially what you're saying. That really, you don't like how she treats you while she's sober. Maybe it's her guard, insecurity, but whatever the reason and whatever we analyze it to be, it doesn't change the fact that you prefer her when she's drunk, because it's then that she's actually nice. That should tell you a little something about how you feel about her.

Too often in relationships we tend to focus on analyzing the other person's behavior, trying to decode their everything. So much so that we sometimes neglect focusing on how we feel, independent on how they feel for us. It's a fear, maybe, of being more vulnerable. Now maybe, as sad as this is, maybe she just feels lonesome and sad for herself when she'd drunk, so she needs more, gives more to get more, using alcohol and you as a crutch, a stand-in to make her feel upright and good about herself. But that might be a little too much analyzing, even for me. The key here is, I imagine your asking has very little to do with her feelings for you and more to do with how alcohol affects her temperament. And as I've stated, how you feel about her. So it says more about you, as does asking the advice of me, instead of just speaking with her outright about all of it. But perhaps that's a lesson for another time.

Long hair on men, eh

.The other night I watched one of the best movies I'd seen in a long time. Not Shawshank best, or Sense & Sensibility best, not even Tootsie best--more like Fried Green Tomatoes best. A total chick flick that left me crying that good cry. The perfect blend of quirky, crave, sass, and hormone treatment, Waitress is a ridiculously adorable film with snappy dialog and peculiar characters so endearing that it makes you want to up and leave the house in a bathrobe to make new friends. If you ask me, there aren't nearly enough over the top, I don't give a rat's testicle what you think of me people. (Do rats have testicles?) Sick, now all I can think of is that little silver ball inside an etch-a-sketch.

I want to go bake pies, to slice up a bunch of peaches on a brand new wooden block, to muddle berries and fold them into a drape of chocolate, and dammit, I want to meet more characters that tell it like it is, don't give a hoot what all you have to say about their business, people who say "what all." And then I want to sing to my babies and put on a yellow dress.

Aside from the strange on purpose people in the film, I found myself rooting for things I'm morally opposed. It's like those movies where you want the killer to get off on a technicality. You don't want them to get caught. You want their sick twisted bank robbery to go off without a snag. You want them to get away with the diamonds or the other woman's husband. Or you're psyched when Sawyer shoots Zeek in the head. Yeah, PSYCHED someone was killed.

What I learn when I watch these films is no matter how staunch my moral convictions, I begin to question them after movies like this. Maybe I can find my way across the line and somewhat understand, even side with, "the other woman." And while I love the ability of art to force me to reconsider things, one thing ain't changin': men who wear their hair down to the middle of their backs are not, ever, appealing.

Becoming a true women........

A good woman is proud of herself. She respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, or does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs. A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true. She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears. A good woman has a dash of inspiration, a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will, at times, have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and moves toward the future. A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played. A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons, meant to bring her closer to self knowledge and unconditional self love.

Thinking of the New Year 2008

Loving Presence
Surround Yourself With Love
In our everyday life we are surrounded by a variety of people. Some of the people we deal with on a daily basis are a joy to be with, and their loving presence nurtures and encourages us. Others may have the opposite effect, draining us of our energy, making us feel tired and exhausted. Our well-being can be easily influenced by those around us, and if we can keep this in mind, we will have greater insights into the quality of our social interactions and their energetic effect on us.

Once we think more deeply about the people we interact with, it becomes easier for us to work toward filling our lives with people who help us cultivate healthy and positive relationships. Even though it might not always seem like we have much control over who we are with, we do. The power to step back from toxicity lies within us. All we have to do is take a few moments to reflect on how another person makes you feel. Assessing the people we spend the most time with allows us to see if they add something constructive to, or subtract from, our lives. Should a friend sap our strength, for example, we can simply set the intention to tell them how we feel or simply spend less time with them. We will find that the moment we are honest with ourselves about our own feelings, the more candid we can be with others about how they make us feel. While this may involve some drastic changes to our social life it can bring about a personal transformation that will truly empower us, since the decision to live our truth will infuse our lives with greater happiness.

When we surround ourselves with positive people, we clear away the negativity that exists around us and create more room to welcome nurturing energy. Doing this not only enriches our lives but also envelopes us in a supportive and healing space that fosters greater growth, understanding, and love of ourselves as well as those we care about.

Peace & Blessings,

Melissa

Check out my slideshow.......I'm getting married!!

Looking Back Before Moving Ahead

As the New Year approaches, our minds turn to what lies ahead. It's a time to set goals for the next 365 days, to challenge ourselves to adopt a better attitude, do away with bad habits and set ourselves back on the never-ending path to self improvement on the whole. But while New Year's resolutions should infuse us with hope and empowerment, all that self examination can draw our attention to our shortcomings and put uncomfortable emphasis on the goals we have not yet met. Before you set a plan for the future, take a hard look at the past. Acknowledge all the goals you have achieved and the person you've become. We could all stand to improve on ourselves -- it's an essential part of our humanity -- but don't lose sight of how far you've had to come to get where you are!

Rules.....

In a relationship I try to follow these rules:

I will try my hardest not to overreact, as I tend to do in life.
I will only deal with one issue at a time, without introducing topics or incidents from the past, as hard as it might seem.
I will never attack any of his vulnerabilities, or hurt him in order to have the last word by being sarcastic or calling him names.
I will always respect and keep the trust with which he has entrusted me.
I will try to avoid sweeping generalizations like you always and you never.
Before I start in I will ask myself what exactly is bothering me and what do I expect and want him to do about it. I will offer compromise and think about possible outcomes that would be acceptable.
I will try to remember that the idea is not to win but to be kind and come to a solution we can both live with.
Most of all, I will try to improve my listening skills. I will try to be careful not to interrupt him and to genuinely hear his concerns and feelings.
I will accept responsibility for a problem that I might have with him, realizing that we have a problem, not just you have a problem.
I will always be loyal to him and our relationship first and foremost.
I will always make sure that his needs are being met as long as they are communicated to me.
I will continually work on letting go of the past to heal my heart and mind.
I will never, ever, fight with him in front of our children (god-willing)
Instead of telling him that I am pissed or angry, I will replace it with the more telling emotions of fear, hurt, or frustration.

In the meanwhile, I'll try to work on my issue of Insecurity. My issue, the need to feel love.

In my relationship Ive been very independent yet dependent. I have my own friends. Im active with them. I have a support network of family and friends who are always available to listen. Ive got my own interests of photography, my work, anything creative, and when that all falls short, I use the energy to take care of the person Im with. Look up recipes they might like, plan fun dates, or fun surprise gift ideas. Im nurturing and understanding, sensitive and emotionally available. I get dependent (or needy) when I feel insecure. If were fighting or not having seex, I get so crazed to fix things I think because Im not getting my way, and I end up acting out to try to get my way. Or I try to make him feel bad, punish him so he feels as frustrated as I do, because then I think I might get the love and adoration Im seeking, but through fear.

I wanted to be my ex's sole attention even when he wasnt with me, I wanted him to miss me and think of me often. I hated when he would say he wanted to do something else like go play golf. Me me me. I wanted adoration. And I punished him when he didnt give it enough. And it was never enough, eventually. And we know how that turned out. And now, I see myself repeating the same thing. Less so though because I trust him. I dont get jealous if he wants to hang with his friends. I do care though that he doesnt necessarily want alone time with me as much as I do.

I have a problem with recency. Only focusing on the past 3 days, fixate on that, and then try to run instead of looking at the universal picture, the us we have been, the he that he has been and Im ready to throw it away.